Cult Calling -

Ring, Ring!

Donnie: Hello? Mom?

Mom: Donnie! I'm so glad I got in touch with you.

Donnie: What's going on, mom? I don't have a lot of time right now.

Mom: Well, your father and I just wanted to tell you about our trip to Germany. Also, we miss you.

Donnie: I miss you too, mom, but can't this wait? I'm supposed to be helping with the ritual.

Mom: You and your rituals! Can't the synchronized drinking of lethal poison wait a minute for your poor mother?

Donnie: No, mom, it can't! The overseer is all over my ass today. I already have two dress code violations! Not to mention that I accidentally mixed the blood of the innocent with the blood of a deranged hooker. The overseer says we may not even be able to perform the ritual today because of me.

Mom: Ohh my, I never thought this cult would be so strict. It sounds like YOU were the one who went to Germany!

Donnie: Not cool, mom! Nazi jokes are offensive and worst of all not topical!

Mom: Call down, sweetie. I meant nothing by it. I had a lovely time in Deutschland with your father. The sun was hot, the beer cold, and the frauleins busty.

Donnie: This is exactly why I joined a cult, mom. To get away from you and your irreverent humor. I don't have time for this.

Mom: Well, you could have just went to college like all the other kids. But ohh wait, you didn't have "time" in high school to study.

Donnie: I didn't go to college because I didn't want to! Cults are way better than colleges anyway!
They provide the networking opportunities of a fraternity, the vocational training of ITT, they have a great theater program, and all at a fraction of the cost! Ohh and I got a scholarship! You should be thanking me that you haven't gone broke from paying for my school!

Mom: Your father and I won't be thanking anyone when we are living in a nursing home and we have to beg the neighbors' son for money. He's going to be a lawyer, you know.

Donnie: Lawyers don't get to summon demons, mom.

Mom: I don't know what good a demon will do you when you're out in the street.

Donnie: The overseer says that once we summon the evil demiurge Asag the streets will run with the blood of the innocent.

Mom: Who is this overseers who knows so much? Has he even met this "Asag?"

Donnie: He is a she, mom, and she knows because it was all foretold in the Annals of Silius the Depraved.

Mom: Ohhhhhh, I see. This is about a girl.

Donnie: It's not like that....

Mom: You're just like your uncle! You have a priestess fetish!

Donnie: Stop it! No, I don't!

Mom: Fine, just don't come running to me when she wants to use your taint shavings as an ingredient for the mind-numbing gruel.

Donnie: Mom, I really have to go.

Mom: Wait a minute. Your father wants to talk to you.

Dad: Donnie?

Donnie: Hi Dad.

Dad: Donnie, we're going to be switching our phone plan. Your sister wants unlimited texting so we're changing to Sprint.

Donnie: Okay.

Dad: We're going to have to trade out your current phone for a different model. You've got two choices. One is one of those flippy phone things and the other one has a touch screen. The guy at Radio Shack told me that touch screens are the big thing these days.

Donnie: Sure, that's fine, dad. Whatever.

Dad: The touch screen phone is $30 more expensive, though.

Donnie: I really don't care, dad. Either one is fine.

(Strange chanting)

Donnie: Shit, they're starting the ritual. I have to go now, dad.

Dad: Wait!

Donnie: What, dad?

Dad: It's your auto insurance. Your premiums are going to go up unless you speak with the insurance agent.

(Blood curdling scream)

Donnie: Shit! I'm missing the sacrifice!

Dad: Donnie, before you go I have to tell you one last thing.

Donnie: Yes?!

Dad: It's your taxes. You're going to have to do them on your own this year.

Guttural Voice: Tra amd uk rikomesae ek mesr ik!

(Screaming and laughing)

(click)

Dad: Donnie? Donnie? - (to mom) I didn't even get to tell him about the all the ketamine we've been doing recently.