Word Wizard

Almost any student of linguistics will tell you that the evolution of modern language is as complex and nebulous a topic as counting the number of butt hairs that exist in the world. That is to say, "y'all couldn't even handle the tip." Show me the human that predicted "no homo" coming, let alone "swaggot," and I will show you some homophobic reptilian trans-dimensional being that can time travel. Such were the attitudes of pretty much everyone in the English speaking world during the second decade of the twenty first century. That is why the arrival and meteoric rise of Word Wizard was met by the collective premature ejaculation of the West.

The origins of Word Wizard are far from understood, but a few things have been pieced together thanks to the diligent efforts of PRISM. Though his birthplace and name remain unknown, the first confirmed sighting of Word Wizard came in 2009 at the height of the swine flu epidemic. At such time the hallowed Word Wizard @BitOfaLanguageLush twitter account was registered in the little Rhodesia neighborhood of Albuquerque, New Mexico. His first tweet coined the term Preemin' or #preemin', a word used to describe a person requiring hospitalization after leaving a party too early, much like a premature birth. The word was a hit and people began to clamor for the elusive wordsmith.

The words came slowly at first, a frimtiplins here, a kepyut there, but each an immediate success. So quickly did the creations of Word Wizard fall into modern parlance that new editions of dictionaries began to be printed weekly (thus reviving an industry decrepit since the days of Henry Kissinger kid's show "Happy Fun Realpolitik Playtime Hour"). He achieved Olympian heights of fame with his posts, ascending to the sanctified status of eternal trending topic on twitter. It seemed that he had become the husky and aroused lesbian to the timid, blossoming beauty of the English language in the steamy school shower that was social media. However, Word Wizard was in for a very rude nonverbal and un-enchanted awakening.

What began as frenzied internet stardom turned into polite psychological addiction seemingly overnight. Entire vocabularies were eroded by Word Wizard's new diction, leaving those afflicted incapable of speech devoid of hashtags and tumblr references. This varicose vernacular proved unsuited to daily interaction causing bedlam, chaos, and general confusion concerning sexual relations (the only word Word Wizard had forged concerning sex was "krimty" a term of endearment used for a person not in the mood for sex). Unable to voice their sorrows let alone the frequency of their scatological obligations, the people sought Word Wizard with increased vigor, hounding him for new words. Employing P.I.s, hackers, and trolls, the populace mounted an inquisition for the Banksy of internet speech.

In consequence of this pursuit, Word Wizard took to flight, always remaining a step ahead of the hunt. His pursuers found only the traces of a slovenly phantom: a disheveled breakfast nook, underwear with skid marks, burned notebooks, and always a large tub of Vick's Vapor Rub with a penis-shaped imprint. Rumors spread about the identity of this person and his alleged whereabouts. So great were the suspicions that communities began to out those among them as the Word Wizard. For many this became a farcical crucible with the accused forced to create words for an increasingly dumb populace. These poor souls lasted only as long as their words, subjected to horrifying and unspeakable tortures (they literally did not have the words to define them) the second a word did not achieve local hashtag status. The demented cat woman of humanity had fallen in the shower, breaking her hip and feebly attempting to fend off the legions of cats meowing for her flesh.

With the world burning Word Wizard came to realize his own guilt. His verbiage had brought the world to the brink of destruction and left humanity with but one word to contextualize their own demise. That word being "wipahkiff" a term denoting a dire writer's block along with the knowledge of a forthcoming wardrobe crisis (it also had the connotation of having underused genitals). Seeking salvation for himself, Word Wizard picked up a dictionary and began to post such ancient words as "hater" and "decolletage". Slowly he reintroduced the very language which he had so indecorously tea bagged. The world slipped back to its former verbal usage and thus to its previous order.

Fearing that he might once again plunge the world into a rectal abyss of hashtags, Word Wizard retired his twitter account. He has not been heard from since. To this day people still seek out the Word Wizard cleaving to the few clues he left behind. When asked why they would seek a person who very nearly ended civilization, the response is almost universal. "I need a new way to talk about masturbation on the internet."