I never thought of myself as a supervillain. It seems a little boastful, you know. Super? Really? It feels like a marketing ploy. Still, if both BuzzFeed and Gawker agree that's what to call you, I guess you are that thing. What is modern braggadocio but retweets and clicks anyhow? I'm also dubious on the former part of this portmanteau. I don't consider myself a villain. Sure, people have risked their lives trying to stop me, but people will make a crusade over just about anything these days. I mean, in college the white kids held a protest because there was an only POC student interest group. Then some other white people started attacking the protesting white people. Who's the villain there, huh? ... Okay, I guess all the white people, but you get my point. Just because people protest you, try to murder you, run a very tasteless smear campaign at every Chick-fil-A in America against you, or even if the nominal superheros of the day make it their business to stop you, it doesn't mean you're a villain.
All that said, I'm creating a giant machine. Some might call it a doomsday device, but those folks are hyperbolic, fear-mongering rubes. The function of this machine is not to destroy, but to dismantle. Specifically society. Now it may seem like I'm being pedantic or semantic, but hear me out. Life sucks, right? That's my basic premise. At least as presently constituted it does. You still with me? Cool. Now why does it suck? Well, lots of reasons: terrible dads, poverty, Tinder, etc. Now what do all those and other shitty things in life have in common? They're not xanax. And that's a problem. And the crux of my very machine. To put it technically would be tedious, so I will settle for a trite metaphor. Use your mind's eye, imagine the air, the substance we breath and live upon, is Troy and xanax is the Greeks. They gotta get in there, but how? My machine is the horse. The Trojan Horse that will permeate our atmosphere with alprazolam. In deference to this metaphor I've built my machine to look like a horse and, ironically, to be piloted by a horse, which was far and away the most difficult aspect of its creation. I'm terrible with design and I hired this engineering student as an intern...he said he knew PhotoShop...it all went to shit pretty fast...we lost alot of good horses...
The long and short of it all is that I built a monumental horse-shaped industrial desk fan that spews xanax. Enough xanax to fill the jet streams of our atmosphere and veil the world. I also have a jumpsuit to go along with it. It's...remarkably comfortable. Anyhow, once the fan is turned on it will not stop. Sort of. Someone has to keep shoveling loads of xanax into the machine. Furthermore, the horse pilot needs to be replaced once every however long horses live. But let's not get too mechanical yet.
As the world is enveloped in a giant sack of xanax dust (a.k.a. Operation Teabag Gaia) society will be reborn. The panic of modern life will give way to floppiness. The world shall know what it is to flop and the virtues of flopping. Think of it - no fear, no anger, no inhibitions! Everyone will describe themselves as "laid back" on their online dating profiles. Animals will be much more chill and you'll be able to pet even the most dangerous ones. Ferrets will suck less! Now I can't calculate what will start happening to society after prolonged exposure. My guess is, though, that whatever happens will be real smooth. I wouldn't be surprised if froyo becomes the global currency. Beyond that, who knows. Of course, everyone will become addicted to xanax fairly quickly. But that's the beauty of my horse ouroboros. Humanity and most life on the planet would die from withdrawal were the machine to stop.
So why am I telling you this? Why reveal my plot? I'm not going to lie, this is really just a Kickstarter pitch. The machine is good to go; I'm set to turn the dial of history to floppy, but I can't afford enough xanax to keep my machine going. That's where you come in. All I'm asking is a paltry 27 million USD to get enough xanax to kick (wink wink nudge nudge) this thing off. Pledges of at least $20 will receive a follow by me on twitter. Pledges of $20 - 100 will get a 2mg bar of xanax inscribed with their name. Pledges of $100 or more can some to my evil lair and take a selfie with the machine! And finally, if you pledge $1000 or more I'll let you jack off the horse pilot. So please, donate today. Thank you.
Regards,
The Xan Man
-Sent from an iPhone
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